ABC News reported on December 20 that three bowhead whales were killed by Inupiat Eskimos in northern Alaska that were estimated to be 135 to 172 years, while a fourth bowhead was believed to be 211 years old. Scientists figured out the whales’ ages by studying changes in amino acids in the lenses of the eyes.
This might have shocked some people, but I’ve known about whale immortality for a long time.
You see, I’ve spent the last 12 years studying the slow aging processes of certain fish, turtles, and other non-aging invertebrates. I know of rougheye rockfish that live over 205 years (Cailliet, 34) — and of a 190 year old turtle that probably has some stories to tell (Bowler, 11).
What We Know About Slow-Aging Animals
My research has led me to a staggering discovery: these animals can not only live long — they are practically immortal if they can be protected from certain predators and starvation. And that is why I’m studying thousands of rougheye rockfish in my laboratory. I’m seeking to prove that these fish are immortal if protected from the outside world and fed a perfect diet of fish food pellets that I created. In a more controversial study, I’m working toward getting approval to take care of one of the largest bowhead whales in the world.
About 4 years ago, I was approached by a leading vitamin and body lotion company and asked to work on some anti-aging products based on my research of these immortal invertebrates. I’m releasing that vitamin and body lotion line very soon, but before the release, my P.R. team suggested that I develop an article on the secrets of bowhead whale longevity to get people thinking about the potential to live forever.
So here are 6 secrets I’ve learned from Bowhead Whales on how to live over 200 years old without aging spots or wrinkles:
1. Submerge Yourself in Sea Water
Everyone knows the healing power of ocean water, and I encourage everyone to soak up sea water every day. I realize that many people can’t go to the beach each day, so that’s why I suggest that everyone soak in my ocean water bath salts (soon to be available at Bed, Bath & Beyond). I also suggest using one of those hand-held spray bottle fans to mist your face, arms, and legs with sea water throughout the day. You’ll be surprised how much better your skin and body will feel.
2. Enjoy the Night.
I move to Alaska each fall so that I can live in darkness just like bowhead whales. Radiation from the sun is killing you, and Bowhead whale’s know that the secret to living longer is staying in the dark ocean far from the sun. You still need vitamin D, so I have a suplement to help you enjoy the benefits of sunlight without aging yourself.
3. Stay Cool.
Bowheads know that heat destroys, but ice heals. And that’s why they spend their time time in icy Arctic water. They enjoy swimming in the southern edges of Arctic ice in the Winter, and racing through broken and melting ice during the Summer. I realize that not everyone can afford to fly to the arctic every week, and as a spokesperson and scientist for change – I need to travel a lot. So turn on your A/C full blast, and always put a big cup full of ice between your legs as you drive, cover yourself with ice packets whenever possible, and hang out in big freezers at your local Price Club, Costco or Wharehouse Food Store. I’m developing a “Bowhead Ice Body Suit” that will be the perfect way to keep you cold every day.
3. Rub Your Body with Barnacle Cement
Barnacles attach to whales using a cement released through the tips of its antennules. This secret cement that is covering the bowhead whale helps him look like he hasn’t aged a day. And that magical cream is available to you as well. I lather up each morning with bottle of barnacle lotion to help my skin heal faster while reversing the age spots, wrinkles, and sun damage on my face. It is amazing.
4. Consume Planktonic Organisms Everyday
An average Blowhead is consuming about 2 tons of plankton each day. They know that plankton is the food of the gods — and consume as much as possible. I just finished working on a similar product, called the “Blowhead Planktonic Smoothie,” which blends together copepods, amphipods, euphasiids, and a variety of other colorful crustaceans into one icy smoothie drink. It tastes fantastic, and will help you feel younger almost instantly.
5. Travel Often.
Migration is seasonal for Blowheads, and they travel to improve their mind and learn about the world around them. Traveling helps you understand other cultures, and helps you see the world. If you don’t have the money to migrate, it’s still important for you to keep your mind learning about other places and cultures. That’s why I’m producing a DVD series (with teasers soon on YouTube) showing you what Blowheads see during their travels. To help navigate your way, we have a funny animated barnacle named “Barney” that will tell you what’s going on.
6. Listen to Ocean Sounds.
We live in a world filled with noise pollution, which can aggravate our anxiety levels and age us faster. A bowhead whale instinctively knows that sound can hurt us, so he stays submerged deep in the water where he can listen to beautiful sounds of the ocean currents and whales communicating with each other. I have a music mp3 series coming out on iTunes that replicates the ocean sounds that a Bowhead hears through a synthesizer (and features the angelic music of Yanni).
By following these 6 steps, you’ll be on your way to living longer and reversing the aging process.
Cailliet, G.M. et al. 2001. Age determination and validation studies of marine fishes: do deep-dwellers live longer?. Experimental Gerontology 36, 739-764.
Cuervo, A.M., Dice, J.F. 2000. Age-related decline in chaperone-mediated autophagy. J Biol. Chem. Oct 6;275(40):31505-13.
Klapper, W., Krupp, G. et al 1998a. Telomerase in ‘immortal fish’. FEBS Letters (Federation of European Biochemical Societies) 434, 409-412.